


until tomorrow (i love you)

by skittlestrash



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety, Bittersweet Ending, Depression, Hospitals, M/M, Smoking, Suicide Attempt, Underage Smoking, Unrequited Love, an absolute mess tbh, mentions of self harm, no one dies for once lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-03-11 01:02:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13513470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skittlestrash/pseuds/skittlestrash
Summary: “I told you that I love you,” Tyler said, his voice low and quiet.  Josh waited for him to say more, but he remained quiet.  The open-air began to choke him.“Do you?” Josh asked, breaking his silence with a cracked voice.  “Do you..do you still..still love me?”A sad smile traced the outlines of Tyler’s lips.  “Maybe,” he shrugged, no longer daring to look Josh in the eyes.“Maybe,” Josh echoed.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited by the lovely @trashler thank you for making my writing not so shit <3

The stars would have been beautiful that night, had it not been for the mist that covered the night sky, like a milky vignette. Josh brought his hand up to the air above him and swept at the fog, attempting to brush it away, but it remained, continuing to impede the glow of the stars.

 

Disappointed, Josh’s hand fell to his side, his fingers brushing against the rough roof tiles. He let out a shaky breath, watching the air from his lips burst forth in a billow of white that slowly dissipated. His eyelids fluttered, the weight of 3:00a.m upon them becoming apparent.

 

“Please tell me you didn’t fall asleep up there again,” a voice said from the ground, the snarky quip lacing the edges all too familiar to Josh.

 

“So what if I did?” Josh asked, not even bothering to open his eyes. A subtle smirk quirked the corners of his lips as he listened to the metal scrape of the ladder against the side of his house, and the eventual quiet thumps of careless footsteps against his roof.

 

A sudden warmth appeared by Josh’s side, and the smell of cigarette smoke filled his senses. “Well, then I’d come up here to tell you to get your ass into a warm bed, 'cause it’s fucking 25 degrees out here and you’re gonna freeze to death.”

 

Josh turned on his side and opened his eyes, his gaze now looking into warm, glazed eyes. “You worry about me too much, Ty,” he said, glancing down at Tyler's lips to see a cigarette loosely held between them. Josh raised his hand and pinched the cigarette between his index finger and thumb, swiftly pulling it from his mouth.

 

“You should learn to start worrying about yourself, Tyler,” Josh stated, his tone biting on the other boy’s name. Josh ignored his groans of protest as he crushed the cigarette on the roof.

 

Tyler scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he said, taking a second cigarette, conveniently tucked behind his ear, and sticking it between his lips. Reaching into his jacket pocket, he pulled out his lighter and swiftly flicked the flame, lighting the end of his cigarette.

 

Josh clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth as he shook his head in mock disbelief. “You’re the one that’s ridiculous,” Josh retorted, pushing himself up into a sitting position.

 

Tyler simply breathed out a quiet laugh as he blew out a dramatic puff of smoke into the air, cigarette sitting between his fingers. Josh rolled his eyes, pulling his knees up to his chest and shoving his shivering arms between his legs.

 

With a sigh rolling off his lips, Tyler stubbed the cigarette out against the roof tile, before tucking it behind his ear once more. Josh looked at him, an eyebrow cocked, as Tyler began shrugging his jacket off his shoulders. Gingerly, he wrapped the coat around Josh’s shaking figure and gave him a crooked smile, the kind that awoke butterflies in Josh's stomach.

 

“You should go to bed, you look exhausted,” Tyler said kindly, smoothing Josh’s dark curls away from his face. “Plus, school starts tomorrow. I don’t need my best friend looking like a zombie on our first day of senior year. You'll make me look bad.”

 

Josh raised an eyebrow at the other boy as his cigarette returned to his mouth. “What, are you actually gonna hang out with me during school this year? I thought this friendship was a summer vacation exclusive.” A trace of bitterness laced the edges of his words, and he noticed Tyler flinch the slightest bit at his words as he holds his lighter back up to the end of his cigarette.

 

He recovered quickly, though, the same damn smirk returning to his mouth as he shrugged nonchalantly. “Oh come on, Josh, you know I’m always full of surprises! Maybe things will be different this year.” Josh watched as Tyler tried to keep his smartass act up, blowing perfect rings of smoke in the still night air, but he saw the cracks in his wavering smirk.

 

Josh scoffed a sour chuckle. “Maybe,” he echoed, already feeling the heartache the word is certain to bring him in the coming months. He let his eyes close again, his fingers curling into a fist and then opening, repeating the action over and over again. It was only fucking August, it’s not fair that summer only lasted two months. It's just as fickle every year, but it never hurts any less.

 

He opened his eyes and suddenly found the air catching in his throat, Tyler’s face merely centimeters away from his own. He swallowed hard as Tyler moved to hold his face, cupping it gently; the calloused hands resting against his cheeks colluding with the biting cold to raise his skin in goosebumps, making him shiver. Josh bit down on the inside of his cheek as he was forced to stare into Tyler’s honey brown eyes. Sticky warm irises bore into his dull ones, tying his guts into knots and giving him the worrying sensation of imminent vomit.

 

Tyler licked his chapped lips, his burnt-out cigarette returned to his ear. “Have a little faith, would ya?” His hot breath burned Josh’s frozen face, the scent of tobacco and smoke strong, and making Josh’s throat feel scratchy.

 

In the blink of an eye, Tyler had moved his hands from Josh’s face and into the pockets of his jeans. Josh swallowed thickly, the phantom feeling of Tyler’s hands aching against his cheek like fresh bruises.

 

“Let’s go for a walk,” Tyler said, suddenly and casually, already making his way back towards the side ladder.

 

Josh blinked, puzzled. “I thought you wanted me to go to bed?” he questioned, unable to hold back the fond tone in his voice as he watched Tyler squirm down to the steps of the ladder.

 

Tyler gave him a knowing look, proudly wearing his smartass smile. “We both know that even if I tucked you real nice and warm in your bed, the second I left, you’d be back up here staring at your fucking clouds until the sun broke through.”

 

Josh clicked his tongue. “Fair enough,” he replied, swiftly following Tyler down the ladder. Landing on the ground with a thud next to Tyler, the taller boy, smoking anew, took ahold of Josh’s hand and lead him down the street. Josh ignored the nausea that had settled, bubbling, in the pit of his stomach, and kept his focus on his feet, making sure he didn’t stumble while keeping up with Tyler’s fast pace.

 

Tyler began to slow down as they left their small neighborhood, ending up at the corner outside of the residential area, at one end of a four-way stop. He flicked his now dead cigarette as he stopped to survey their surroundings. Parallel to where they stood was a vastness of lush ground, free of any buildings, where trees and shrubbery could grow in peace. Picking up the pace once more, Tyler pulled Josh by the hand across the street and towards the forested ground.

 

Humming under his breath, Tyler dragged Josh along the vague pathway, towards the tiny creek that ran throughout the patch of trees. They continued deeper into the trees, Josh’s hands growing clammier the longer and tighter Tyler held onto them. He swallowed the persistent anxiety that sat at the back of his tongue like bile, staring at the back of Tyler’s head as he followed.

 

“Hey, remember that one time when we were, like, ten, and I dared you to dive into the creek?” Tyler asked, breaking the silence between the two. Josh could hear the reminiscent smile in his voice.

 

“I definitely remember getting the air knocked out of me when I landed hard on the ground- because, apparently, the water wasn’t as deep as I was expecting it to be,” Josh replied, a faded bitterness sitting on top of the chuckle he breathed out at the end of his words.

 

Tyler paused in his tracks, turning around to look at Josh with a shit-eating grin on his face. He grabbed a hold of Josh’s other hand and pulled him closer, walking backward so he could keep his gaze on Josh’s ever reddening face. Josh chewed at the inside of his cheek again, a habit that had him frequently tonguing the raw flesh there, and blinked several times, unsure of where to look.

 

“Remember the spring dance back in junior high?” Tyler asked, his backward treading coming to a stop. He lowered his and Josh’s hands, keeping them clasped together as he swung them back and forth.

 

Realization dawned on Josh as he took in the familiar surroundings of the clearing they stood in. “You mean the one where you went with Callie from pre-calc, and she ended up ditching your pathetic ass to go smoke with the 9th-grade girls?” he asked, biting back a smirk.

 

Tyler chuckled quietly, nodding his head. “And then you took my pathetic ass out here so nobody at school could watch me cry like a fucking baby.” He pulled Josh closer by the hands, wrapping his arms around his waist as he rested his own on Josh’s shoulders.

 

Tyler stepped closer to him, their chests pressing up against one another. Josh prayed to God that Tyler couldn’t feel his heartbeat thundering against his ribcage. “You pulled out your phone and started playing some fucking cheesy Bob Dylan song, and you wrapped your arms around my waist and started dancing with me.”

 

Josh watched Tyler’s eyes carefully, his brain meticulously overthinking every small glance and sparkle that dared to dazzle through the glaze on his pupils. Tyler’s fingers brushed against the back of Josh’s neck, making him shiver; the hairs under his fingertips standing on end.

 

“I told you that I love you,” Tyler said, his voice low and quiet, breaking softly on the word 'love'. Josh waited for him to say more, but he remained silent. The open-air began to feel too close, suffocating.

 

“Do you?” Josh asked, breaking his silence with a cracked voice. “Do you? Do you still- still love me?”

 

A sad smile traced the outlines of Tyler’s lips. “Maybe,” he shrugged, no longer daring to look Josh in the eyes.

 

“Maybe,” Josh echoed, feeling like a broken record. “It’s always a maybe with you, isn’t it?”

 

Tyler smirked, that same old mischievous glint in his eyes. “Do I even need to confirm it?” he asked, laughing lightly to himself. Josh forced a smile, dragging his teeth over his bottom lip. He ignored the sinking feeling in his gut, just like he always did.

 

Taking his hands off Tyler’s waist, Josh gently pulled Tyler’s arms off his shoulders and ignored the hurt look on Tyler’s face. “I’m tired, Ty,” he told him, the lie coming far too easily to his tongue.

 

Tyler’s face perked up once more. “Aha, my plan worked! I knew I could tire ya out,” Tyler exclaimed, making Josh feel even more nauseated. Part of him had hoped that Tyler would see through his façade, would beg him to stay in the woods with him, where they could keep swaying in peace. Maybe he did, but had decided to play along, not wanting to push Josh.

 

Or maybe he was just that oblivious to how Josh really felt. Maybe Tyler didn’t know Josh nearly as well as either one of them had thought he did.

 

Josh groaned inwardly; there were just too many maybes at the table.

 

“C’mon Josh,” Tyler said, breaking him out of his thoughts. “Lemme take ya back home.” Tyler reached out to Josh once more, his shaking hand hanging in the air, waiting to be held. Against his better judgment, Josh grabbed it and let Tyler drag him out of the woods.

 

Through the trees, down the path, and back to the four-way they went. Tyler held onto Josh tightly throughout the whole walk, never letting his grip on the other boy’s hand falter. Crossing the street, Tyler gave a glance back at Josh and offered him a sleepy smile. The sight made Josh’s heart flutter in his chest, and he couldn’t help but smile back.

 

Back outside of Josh’s house, the two stood side by side. Tyler glanced briefly at his phone. “Wow, can you believe it’s almost 5:00a.m ?” he asked, stifling a yawn that tried to break through his words mid-sentence.

 

“We have to be at school at eight,” Josh stated, sidestepping Tyler’s question. “You should head to bed too.”

 

“I will,” Tyler replied, his tone stubborn. “I just want to make sure you go straight to your bedroom, and not your damn roof!”

 

Josh rolled his eyes. “Alright, whatever, mom,” he snapped with a scowl, making his way over to the ladder on the side of his house. Tyler snickered as he stepped back, watching Josh crawl into the open window of his bedroom.

 

Setting his feet on the floor, Josh turned around and rested his arm on the frame of his window. “Goodnight Ty,” he said, standing up straight.

 

“Night Joshie,” Tyler said, teasingly. Turning on his heels, Tyler walked back to his house across the street as Josh shut his window closed, locking it for good measure. He didn’t need Tyler crawling into his room to wake him up in the morning, like he had yesterday.

 

Kicking off his shoes and jeans, Josh flopped himself onto his bed. He ran his ever-trembling fingers through his unruly hair, pulling several loose strands out. With a groan, he stared at his blank ceiling, his eyes forever wide and awake. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to Pete Wentz for writing a shit ton of lyrics about running away and totally fueling this chapter
> 
> sorry this took so long

The dark clouds that hung low in the sky made three o’clock in the afternoon look like eight o’clock at night. The wet grass squelched underneath the soles of Josh’s beat up sneakers as he meandered across the back field. Making his way towards the metal bleachers, he spotted a familiar plume of smoke escaping from under a white hood.

Without saying a word, Josh hopped onto the bleachers and slid next to Tyler. Their legs brushed against one another, making Tyler flinch slightly before realizing who it was. Tyler took the cigarette from his lips and tossed it onto the step beneath him, crushing it under his sneaker.

He pulled his hood off his head, allowing his already messy hair become damp from the rain pouring down. With a fond smile sneaking its way onto his lips, Josh smoothed a hand over Tyler’s wild, wet hair, making it look reminiscent of the haircut he had in the fourth grade.

Tyler gave him a sideway glance. “Aren’t you cold?” he asked, making note of Josh’s lack of a jacket. Josh simply bounced his shoulders in response, making Tyler roll his eyes in his standard dramatic fashion. Shrugging off his hoodie, Tyler gently wrapped it around Josh, reminding Josh of the same gesture Tyler had performed on his roof last night.

“Such a gentleman,” Josh teased, unable to hold back a giggle as Tyler’s cheeks tinted a light pink. Tyler huffed in feigned annoyance as he tucked his arms across his chest. Josh ignored Tyler’s irritation and scooted closer to him, resting his head on Tyler’s now damp shoulder.

With the scent of smoke strong on the jacket around his shoulders, and the aroma of something else entirely Tyler, Josh muffled a cough with the collar of the white hoodie. Staring off at the football field, Josh felt himself get pulled into a daze with the sound of the rain and Tyler’s soft ragged breathing. It was relaxing, yet simultaneously somewhat unsettling.

“Didn’t see you during school today,” Josh commented nonchalantly, absentmindedly playing with the zipper on Tyler’s hoodie. He felt Tyler shift slightly beside him.

“We just have really different schedules this year, I guess,” Tyler replied, picking at the dead skin around his nails. Josh cringed as he watched Tyler rip the strips of skin off, leaving the area around the nail ragged and raw.

Josh popped his lips together. “Well, I had thought we’d at least have music theory together again,” he said, his voice low and quiet. “Are you taking it on a different day?”

“I’m not taking it at all this year,” Tyler answered, rubbing his hands against his knees. “It interfered with basketball practice.”

Josh raised his brow at him. “You’re really sticking with basketball this year? Just last month you were telling me how much you hate it,” he retorted, trying to shove down that familiar, nagging, bubbling sensation that sat at the pit of his stomach.

“I have the chance to get a full ride to college on a basketball scholarship,” Tyler defended, shuffling himself along the bench a little, away from Josh. Lifting his head off his shoulder, Josh stared at Tyler with furrowed brows. “This isn’t an opportunity I can just throw away,” he argues, looking like he doesn't believe the words himself as he utters them.

“Do you even want to go to college?” Josh asked, though it sounded more like an accusation, unable to hold back the bitter tone in his voice. “What happened to the 'fuck the American dream' Tyler I knew? The one who didn’t care about getting a degree, a wife, and having kids. The one who’d burn a white picket fence if he saw it. The one who talked about running away from this town, forgetting about everyone who used to know you and living a life where no one could say they know you.”

Josh’s chest burned as the last words dripped off his tongue, vivid memories of Tyler going off on one of his rants in the middle of the summer racing through his mind as he spoke. He’d talk about packing what he could into a backpack, taking his beat up Chevy and driving as far away as he could. He’d speak with great despise about the life his parents wanted for him, one with health insurance and weekend barbecues where he’d show off his shining wife and doting kids. The life he said he'd rather die than lead.

“Sometimes you gotta grow up and realize you can’t always have the things you want,” Tyler deadpanned, staring Josh dead in the eye as he pulled out a cigarette and placed it between his lips, lighting it as his eyes lit too, with petty glee.

“Who says you can’t have what you want? You’re the only thing that’s stopping yourself,” Josh argued, the frustration inside his ribs growing and growing, making his chest ache dully, along with his brewing stomach.

Tyler shook his head as he blew out a thin plume of smoke. “That’s just not how life works, Josh,” he said, his own frustration obvious in his voice. Josh didn’t care- he just knew he hated this Tyler.

“Why?” Josh asked, petulantly, crossing his arms together; even adding a childish pout.

Tyler let out a loud and irritated groan, throwing his arms in the air before running his palms down his face. “Holy hell Josh - how old are you? Four? Grow the fuck up,” he spat, his glowing eyes blazing. “You can’t always allow yourself the luxury of the things you want - sometimes you gotta suck it up and realize there are things you gotta sacrifice in order to survive.”

Josh scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief. “That’s a pretty fucked philosophy you’re following.”

“Yeah, well, at least it’s something,” Tyler said, taking another drag from his cigarette. He leaned back and propped an elbow up on the seat behind him, his gaze focused ahead and away from Josh.

Clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth, Josh shook his head and stood up from the bleachers. Beginning to make his way down the steps, he felt Tyler’s cold hand grab his wrist, stopping him in his tracks. Josh turned around to look at Tyler, whose head was down, once again avoiding Josh’s glance.

Tyler let out a shaky sigh, his breath visible in the cold air even without smoke, raindrops clinging to his eyelashes as he finally looked up at Josh through them.

“I- Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so... be so harsh, I guess,” he stumbled, his words fumbling to find their footing. His voice cracked slightly, as if his words were choking him. “I’m just really stressed out I guess and... and I’m terrified about my future, and I’m terrified about you, and I just don’t... I just don’t know what to do? Everything just feels really fast and I just want... just need it to slow down for one fucking second, so I can just breathe-”

Josh cut him off, pulling the other boy up and into his arms, effectively shutting him up. He felt Tyler curl his fingers around the fabric of his hoodie on Josh’s shoulders, the grip tight and desperate. The embrace lasted only a matter of seconds, Josh barely had time to appreciate the feeling of Tyler's arms around him before he was pulling away.

With a wipe of his eyes and a long exhale of breath, Tyler recovered quickly and shot Josh a grin. “C’mon, let’s go somewhere,” he said, already taking back his hold of Josh’s wrist and dragging him down the steps of the bleachers.

“Uh, where?” Josh asked, trying his best not to trip and slide on the damp grass. A heavy mixture of excitement and fear stirred inside his stomach, making him nauseous and dizzy. The skin of his wrist under Tyler's fingers tingled, as though the boy were electric, and Josh was hyperaware of the feeling.

Tyler said nothing, his smirk remaining as he lead Josh down to the school's parking lot. As they approached Tyler’s Chevy, whom he had lovingly named “Bertha”, Tyler released his grip on Josh’s wrist and unlocked the car. He hopped into the driver side, while Josh ducked down into the passenger seat.

Josh rubbed at his wrist absentmindedly, already feeling the loss of Tyler's touch. Tyler turned the ignition, and the car speakers began blasting one of his many self curated mixtapes. Having a car with only a cassette player could be seen as terrible to some, but not to Tyler’s pretentious hipster ass.

Harshly shifting the gear, Tyler pulled out of the parking lot and drove onto the adjacent street; then pressing down on the gas pedal, they sped down the road and towards wherever the hell Tyler had decided they were going.

So they drove. Josh wasn’t sure how long he sat in that car, listening to Tyler sing quietly to whatever precious, worthy song was playing, watching the sun slowly kiss the horizon. For that moment in time, Josh was able to breathe. His shoulders felt light and his chest felt free, no gurgling stomach or fluttering heart.

Allowing himself to take the risk, Josh's fingers crawled towards the back of Tyler’s hand and slotted them together. He heard Tyler’s breath hitch in the slightest as he sucked his lip between his teeth. Pausing a second, Tyler unfroze and turned his hand over, interlocking their fingers, the fit as perfect as two jigsaw puzzle pieces. Josh bit his lip, trying his best not to grin.

Soon enough, Josh felt the car began to slow down as they came up to an overpass. Flipping on his blinker, Tyler pulled off onto the side of the road and parked the car. Turning off the car, Tyler leaned back into his seat and let out a heavy breath, shooting Josh a tired smile.

Josh returned the smile with a puzzled gaze and a breathy laugh. “Where are we?” Josh asked, slowly undoing his seatbelt.

“City limits,” Tyler replied, “we go over this bridge and the city is behind us - left in the dust.” Josh opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by Tyler swinging his door open as he walked out onto the road.

Walking to the front of car, Tyler hopped onto hood and sat down, back leaning against the windshield. Still confused, Josh simply shook his head and followed Tyler’s suit. He clambered up onto the car bonnet, a fair amount less gracefully than Tyler had, and settled himself down. Laying next to him, he turned his head towards Tyler, who was staring at the sky.

“It’s... it’s kinda bizarre, isn’t it?” Tyler began, “Like, within a second of driving, I’d be gone. This town would be behind me and it would all be so easy. All I have to do is drive a little farther. It’s that easy.”

“Is it though?” Josh asked, the air suddenly cold in his lungs, tightness returning to his chest. “Would it really be that easy to just leave it all? Leave your family, your friends, your opportunities... leave... leave... leave me?” Part of Josh regretted this as soon as he'd said it, feeling impossibly needy, but every part of him was screaming to know Tyler's response.

Tyler moved onto his side, facing Josh and propping his head up with an arm, eyes locked on his. “Why do you think I haven’t left yet?” he asked, a little incredulous, as though he thought Josh was being particularly moronic right at this very second.

He leaned forwards towards Josh, cold hand moving to his face and cupping his cheek. Josh buried his skin into the touch, savoring it. Tyler leaned a little further towards him, their noses brushing against each other just slightly, their breath mixing together. Tyler tilted his head to the side and Josh mirrored his action. Finally coming together, Tyler gently pressed his lips against Josh’s chapped ones.

He tasted like smoke and sweet tarts- which Josh knew him to pop like pills throughout the day during school. His hand explored Josh’s curl, pulling slightly, bringing Josh even closer into him. The kiss remained gentle though, both too shy, holding too much back to really get lost in it. It reminded Josh of their first kiss; though a little less awkward due to both having a little more practice, it was every bit as tentative and reserved.

Just as chaste, Tyler soon pulled away, putting an end to their closeness. He hesitantly released his hold on Josh’s hair and gave him a shaky grin. Josh could already feel that sharp pain in his chest, like his heart was sinking into his stomach and his other organs weren't happy about it.

“C’mon, let’s go. Our parents are probably wondering where we are,” Tyler said lamely, immediately jumping off the hood of the car and making his way back to the driver’s side, posture somewhat stiff, shoulders hunched.

With a shivering breath, Josh slid off the hood. Climbing back into the car, he brushed off the butterflies as he bit his lip, trying to erase the phantom pain of Tyler’s lips, an exercise he knew from experience to be both painful and futile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think, feedback means a lot xx 
> 
> my tumblr is cheapmistakes if you ever want to talk x


	3. Chapter 3

That phantom pain lasted for two long months, just like Josh had known it would, and it was only getting worse when the late October air chapped the skin of his lips. He constantly found himself absentmindedly stroking where Tyler kissed him, pulling the dead skin off with fingertips and teeth, often until he could taste the metallic tang of blood in his mouth. It left his lips raw and ugly, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

Ever since the kiss, it seemed like Tyler had taken it upon himself to avoid Josh at all costs. Besides barely seeing him at school as it was, he never stopped by Josh’s house anymore, either. Josh spent his nights on the roof, lonely, half-heartedly waiting for Tyler to show up. It was also a worthless hope to have, a fool's hope, and he always ended his nights by crawling back into his bed, staring out the window to watch the sunrise.

Part of him kept trying to believe that Tyler would eventually come back around- he always did. Or rather, he always had before now.

It was the week before Halloween when he finally heard the familiar car door slam outside his house. A flash of excitement rose in his throat, but he quickly pushed it down, knowing that it was probably just his hopeful imagination. He kept his head firmly planted on his pillow and continued flipping the page of the book he had to read for English, refusing to let himself get excited over nothing once again, although none of the words were really sinking into his brain as he read and reread them. A knock on the front door, a quiet conversation downstairs, and a pair feet thumping up the stairs, and suddenly his bedroom door was opening.

“You’re really reading that bullshit?” Tyler asked as he walked into the room and closed the door, trademark smirk lifting his lips at the corners. “I just pulled up the SparkNotes for it and called it a day.”

Josh laid the book on the side of his bed and sat up, turning his attention to Tyler. “What are you doing here?” he asked, hoping his voice didn’t sound as nervous and shaky as he felt.

Tyler placed an offended hand on his chest. “What? We’ve been best friends for over a decade and I’ve made more than a handful of surprise visits, what’s the problem?”

Josh rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “'What’s the problem?' Tyler, you’ve been avoiding me for, like, two months now,” he began, the frustration growing in his chest and slowly reaching his throat, causing his words to bite. “You can’t just show up at my house and act like nothing happened- you can’t keep fucking acting like nothing has happened every time you do this.”

He was standing now, his fingers curling his hands into fists as he stared down Tyler, whose expression was unreadable. His eyebrows were scrunched and his lips were agape, his glassy gaze meeting Josh’s fiery one, hiding whatever emotions he might have felt.

Tyler licked his lips, his teeth running over the chapped skin on them. Josh noticed Tyler's lips looked about as good as his own. He walked over towards Josh and sat down on the edge of the bed. Wringing his hands in his lap as he stared down at the floor, taking a quivering breath.

“Do you remember the summer after ninth grade?” Tyler asked, unprompted, his go-to recollections of their friendship still his most used silence breaker. His voice seemed even, but Josh could hear the slight waver hiding beneath the bravado.

Josh’s breath hitched. “Yeah, I remember. You disappeared the whole summer, never talked to me, and when you came back the only explanation you gave me was that ‘you got bad’.” Josh had seen the scars on his arms, and decided he never needed a more in depth explanation.

Tyler nodded slowly, running his fingers through his hair. “It feels like... it feels- I feel like I’m getting bad again,” he offered clumsily, giving a quick look over at Josh. He must have recognized Josh’s confused expression since he continued. “I just don’t feel like myself? I don't even really know who ‘myself’ is, y'know? After that summer I’ve just felt really distant... and I... I just constantly feel like I’m putting on an act no matter what I do. Like I'm wearing this mask for everybody else. Nothing I do feels like me.”

Josh swallowed the lump in his throat. “Is... is that why you’ve been avoiding me?” he asked, anxiously rubbing his hands against his knees.

Tyler shrugged. “Maybe? I think I’m just scared you won’t see me as Tyler anymore, and you’ll hate me,” he answered, his voice cracking slightly. “I think I love you, and that fucking terrifies me," he finishes quietly, voice still quavering.

“I don’t think I could ever hate you,” Josh replied earnestly, trying (and failing miserably) not to hyper-focus on Tyler's last statement. “You’re my best friend, Ty.”

Tyler gave a bitter chuckle. “What if I’m not anymore?” he questioned, his words pained. Josh opened his mouth to protest, but Tyler didn’t give him the chance. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get all... get all like this on you. That’s not why I came over.” Tyler quickly stood up, wiping his eyes.

“Um, Hayley’s throwing a Halloween party at her house tomorrow and I thought you might wanna come with me,” Tyler all but blurted out hurriedly, forcing a tight smile, trying to mask the anxiety that was clear as ever on his face.

“Uh, yeah, sure! Sounds like fun,” Josh said, deciding to go along with it. Seeing how upset Tyler was, Josh figured it best not to continue prodding at the previous subject, no matter how badly the burning in his chest yearned to poke at it. The flood of relief on Tyler’s face was enough to prove that.

“Awesome! I’ll pick you up at seven tomorrow, yeah?” Tyler said, his whole body visibly relaxing, shoulders lowering from where he had them drawn up to his neck.

Josh nodded, mustering up a small smile. “Yeah, sounds good to me. Tyler grinned and Josh swallowed the butterflies that were threatening to escape his ribcage and spew forth from his mouth.

“Sweet, I’ll see you tomorrow then.” And with that, Tyler left the room and Josh collapsed back onto his bed, ready to spend an entire sleepless night replaying those words in his head, “I think I love you."

  
Josh quickly learned, come Saturday morning, that leaving oneself less than a week to muster up a half-decent Halloween costume was an incredibly bad judgement call, and that finding one would be no mean feat- particularly one that he could actually afford on his minimum wage job budget. He could practically feel the scrutiny radiating off the Walmart cashier as he set his obnoxiously green alien mask down on the conveyor belt.

“Desperate, huh?” the cashier asked, not even bothering to hide the smirk on his face.

Josh said nothing, merely glaring at the guy, jutting his chin out a little as he feebly handed the employee his cash. Transaction completed, Josh snatched the mask and quickly exited the store with a huff, feeling a little defeated.

Returning to his house, Josh was unsure of what to do with himself for the next six hours while he waited for Tyler to arrive. Every task he made an attempt to carry out ended in frustration, unable to stop himself from checking the clock every thirty seconds, expecting minutes to have passed. Three horror movies later, and more popcorn consumed than he cared to take note of, the fateful knock on the door finally came.

Scrambling to his feet, Josh quickly slipped the mask over his head, grabbed his house keys, phone and wallet, and hurried down the stairs. Opening the front door, Josh braced for Tyler’s laughter and prepared his best eye roll - despite the fact that Tyler wouldn’t even be able to see it behind the mask.

“Seriously? That’s the best you could do?” Tyler asked, obviously stifling a chuckle. “I mean, I definitely appreciate you pairing the mask with your NASA t-shirt, but really? This is your best option?”

Josh took a second to take in Tyler's costume, a little annoyed at how much better he looked. He was wearing black skinny jeans that hugged his thighs and ass perfectly, not that Josh was looking, with his skeleton print hoodie, complete with ribcage and arm bones. But it was his paint that really tied it together. He'd obviously spent a fair amount of time blacking out his neck, ears and hands, and meticulously drawing out every finger bone, his jawbone, deep black holes for eye sockets, even a spinal column on his throat, so that his blacked out neck looked nonexistent from straight on.

Josh pulled the mask up to his forehead so Tyler could see his annoyed glare. “You gave me not even a day to prepare, so yes, this was the 'best I could do'," Josh mocked his voice. “At least I’m not going as something as cliché as a skeleton.”

Tyler shrugged. “Call it cliché , but my face makeup is pretty bitchin',” that crooked smile that awoke butterflies in Josh's stomach back on his painted face.

Josh faked a gag. “Please, never use the word “bitchin'” ever, ever again, or I will literally barf all over you,” he said earnestly, causing Tyler to erupt into a bout of giggles. "I cannot be held accountable for my actions if you continue to use it," he added, and Tyler only laughed harder. The sound forced the corners of Josh’s mouth into a grin, and he bit his tongue between his front teeth to tame it. The familiarity was comfortable, and Josh couldn’t help himself but easily fall back into old habits with Tyler, his best friend for as long as he could remember. Cosy and familiar.

Calming down and wiping tears of laughter from his black ringed eyes, Tyler gave Josh an easy smile. “Alright, alright, let’s get going, yeah?” he said, gesturing for Josh to follow.

They walked together to Tyler’s car, Josh hopping into the passenger seat and pulling his mask back down to cover his face. Turning the key in the ignition, Tyler started the car and pulled away from the curb. They both remained quiet the whole ride to Hayley’s, the silence comfortable and familiar, letting Tyler’s car radio be the only noise to fill the space between them.

Pulling up to the sidewalk across from Hayley's house, Josh stared at the frantic lights and extravagant decorations that covered the entire front yard. The bass of the music inside the house was loud enough that Josh could feel it in his chest, even in Tyler’s car. It was like a scene from a bad teen movie- it all felt a little surreal to Josh.

“You okay?” Tyler asked, pulling Josh out of his head. Josh gave him a smile and a nod, quickly undoing his seatbelt and climbing out of the car with a sigh. Tyler followed suit, and the two walked across the street to approach the front door.

Opening the door, Josh felt slapped in the face with the obnoxious Halloween dubstep remix blasting through the house, and the obvious smell of beer and weed mingling in the air. He stared into the sea of costumes that danced in every inch of the house, overwhelmed by the variety that ranged from slutty, to basic, to extravagant, and back to just plain lazy, where Josh clearly fitted right in.

Josh felt Tyler’s stare boring into the side of his face and quickly turned to look at him, flashing him a reassuring smile. Tyler returned the smile, and for once it didn’t look forced. It seemed natural and soft, like the ones Josh used to know.

The moment didn’t last long though; their eye contact broke, and it wasn’t too long after that when Tyler’s fellow basketball team members were made aware of his presence and suddenly whisked him away. Josh tried to follow, but was jostled and shoved aside by the crowd of dancing, drinking teens, and ended up losing sight of Tyler's retreating back amongst the sea of people.

With a sigh, Josh made the walls of the house his home. Grabbing a soda, he leaned casually against the wall and slipped his mask up to his forehead again, quietly watching everyone around him. A group of guys chanting, "Chug! Chug! Chug!" as a younger tribute desperately downed his drink, beer dribbling down the sides of his chin, a few girls cackling loudly at a drunkenly slurred joke, a cheerleader making out with a footballer in the corner, his hand on her thigh, slowly raising her skirt. Checking his phone for the time, Josh realized he had already begun counting down the hours until the party was over.

“Josh!” he heard a familiar voice call. Looking around, his eyes landed on blonde hair that was permed to the high heavens.

“Hey, Hayley,” Josh replied, speaking loud enough to be heard over the music. “I like your costume,” he said with a smirk, taking in her obnoxiously colorful, vaguely 80s costume.

She grinned with pride. “Thank you! I’m so glad you came- I honestly didn’t think you would,” she said, the genuine smile not leaving her face.

“Yeah, well, Tyler told me I should come, and I figured, 'Why not?', y'know?” he replied, already feeling physically drained by their small talk, despite Hayley's unfaltering sweetness and genuine happiness.

“Ah, now that explains it,” she said, grinning as she nodded her head in understanding. Josh opened his mouth to question what she meant, but she quickly continued speaking. “Where is Tyler anyway? I feel like I haven’t talked to him in forever.”

Josh shrugged. “No idea, the basketball team carried him away earlier and I haven’t seen him since,” he replied, trying to keep his tone light, but feeling increasingly bitter in the pit of his stomach. Tyler was the one who dragged him here, why even bring Josh along if he was going to pointedly ignore him the entire night?

Hayley smiled at him, but there was a little sadness in her eyes as she did. “Gotcha, well I think I’ll go try and hunt him down then, but I’ll talk to ya later, okay?” she grinned, to which he nodded. Patting Josh gently on the shoulder, she slunk into the sea of people crowding the room, and Josh watched her bright blonde hair disappear into the crowd.

Hours and people passed by, neither seeming to take any notice of Josh whatsoever. Especially not Tyler. Not that Josh was looking for him. He ventured into every empty corner of the house, only moving when some couple in a blind fit of passion came by and claimed the corner as their own. Soon, every corner was filled, and Josh’s last and only refuge was the bathroom.

Grabbing the handle, Josh was met with a locked door. Knowing it was most likely yet another couple furiously making out, he loudly knocked on the door. “Give us a minute!” was the obvious half-drunken reply he got from the other side of the door. Crossing his arms, he took to leaning on the wall once more, and waited for them to finish whatever ungodly act they were performing in the bathroom.

Josh let out a breath of relief when the lock finally clicked and the door swung open. Looking into the bathroom, Josh felt his heart drop into the pit of his stomach when he saw that the douche bag inside the bathroom with some cheerleader hanging off his neck was, in fact, the ever elusive Tyler, her lipstick smeared on both their faces, his face paint ruined and smudged across her lips and neck.

Tyler’s eyes widened in surprise and he opened his mouth to explain, but Josh didn’t even give him the chance to get a word out. That familiar burning sensation rose in Josh’s chest, blazing right up to his throat, his stomach churning to the point that he felt sure he was going to vomit, and all he knew to do was to walk away, moving his legs as quickly as he could. He ignored Tyler’s shouts as he stormed out of the house, blindly walking in whatever direction took him away. He just wanted it to go away.

“Josh, wait!” Tyler shouted, pleading, frantically running out of the house and towards Josh. Josh ignored him and continued on his way down the sidewalk, with no idea where he was going. He felt fingers wrapping around his arm and he immediately snatched himself away from the black, smudged hand that grabbed him, finally turning around to face Tyler.

“Whatever bullshit explanation you have, just fucking save it, okay? I don’t wanna hear it. I obviously can’t believe any word you say. It's all lies, all of it. You say you love me, and this is how you show it?! You bring me to a party, just to ditch me and go make out with some fucking... Fucking bullshit- it’s all just fucking bullshit!” Josh spat, his voice shaking with anger and making the tips of his finger vibrate and burn. He could see the pink smears where her lips had collided with his, the lip prints in the black makeup on his neck, evidence of where she'd been all over him. Josh didn't even know her name. Just looking at Tyler was making him feel nauseated.

“Josh- no, please, please let me-”

Josh cut him off. “I said I didn’t want to hear it!” he snapped, voice low and quiet, but strong as he shook his head at the other boy. He scoffed, crossing his arms across his chest before letting out a bitter laugh. “Ya know what? Maybe you were right, you’re obviously not my best friend anymore. You’re just an asshole who likes toying with other people's emotions, but you know what? I’m done, I’m not gonna be some fucking lap dog that comes to your every beck and call anymore. I'm not letting you come in my window and pretend like everything's okay anymore. I’m just done.”

And, turning on his heels, his heart physically aching as though he'd been stabbed in the left ventricle, Josh walked away, leaving Tyler in the dust, still calling after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for another long period before an update, i hope it was worth the wait
> 
> thank you to everyone who's reading this and leaving kudos and comments, it really means the world to me and encourages me to keep it going


	4. Chapter 4

A frame sits on Josh’s desk, a grubby, dusty old thing, containing a photograph of him and Tyler when they were eight years old. It was taken in the summer of third grade, they had been on a camping trip with Tyler’s dad. A screenshot of their youth, stood in front of a river, grins plastered across their faces, making their eyes disappear behind high, chubby cheeks. Tyler had his arm hooked around Josh’s neck, pulling the other boy so close that Josh’s feet were practically lifting off the ground.

It had always been one of Josh’s favorite photographs, a perfect still shot of their childhood and friendship, which, despite any wear and tear it received over the years, had never broken, even throughout their adolescence. Although after two weeks of ignoring every attempted call and unread text from Tyler, the photo had become more of a taunting reminder than a comfortable memory. Every time he declined a call, he could feel the burn of the staring eyes from the framed picture on his desk.

It made his chest ignite, the fire inside so hot, he wasn’t quite sure how to put it out. By the tenth day, and 30th missed call, he couldn’t stand it anymore. He stormed over to his desk and grasped the frame between his fingers, throwing it against his bedroom wall as a desperate scream escaped his lips.

The glass shattered in a dramatic crash, falling to the floor in a million pieces. His breathing grew ragged as he stared at the mess he'd created. Half-heartedly wiping his eyes, he fell to the floor and picked up the wooden frame, shards of glass grinning like teeth inside it. The glass dug against his palm as he made to start picking up the bigger pieces on the ground, breaking the skin and causing blood to drip onto the floor, amongst the rest of the debris. He let out a shaky, harsh sob, cradling his hand against his shirt, staining it red.

So absorbed with his bloody pity party, he paid no attention to the creaking of his door as it was pushed open. With the sound of the floorboards groaning under footsteps beside him, he finally raised his head to meet the concerned eyes of his mother. She took one look at the mess before opening her arms to him, letting him fall right into her as he sobbed like a pathetic child.

After letting him cry for a moment, she helped him up to his feet and lead him to the bathroom. He leaned against the doorframe as she pulled out a first aid kit from the medicine cabinet. He held his palm out to his mom, letting her clean the cut and wrap it tightly with a bandage. Finishing the dressing, she brought his hand to her lips and pressed a soft kiss against his fingers, making him smile softly.

She cupped his cheek in her hand, wiping away any stray tears. He leaned into the touch and exhaled a shaky breath, as let out a soft sigh. “You should call him, honey,” she told him, her hand moving down to his shoulder and giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Ignoring him is just torture for both of you - it’s not worth it. Just talk to him.”

Josh sniffed, wiping the remaining tears from his cheeks as he nodded. She gave him a smile and a kiss on the cheek. “Alright, now go grab a dustpan and clean up all that glass- and be careful, okay? I don’t have time to be going to the hospital for stitches.”

Josh let out a watery chuckle. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll clean it up, don’t worry about it,” he assured her, forcing a smile for her. His guilt seized somewhat when he saw the worry leave her face as she headed out the bathroom door. Following suit, he grabbed a broom and dustpan to clean up the rest of the glass.

 

He never did call Tyler back, letting the rest of that second week pass by in the same manner he had the first. His phone had stopped blowing up at that point, Tyler obviously having taken the hint and given up. Josh told himself it was for the best- he knew nothing good would have come from it. He knew the pattern; if he had answered Tyler's call and forgiven him, they would have ended up right back in this position in just a few months. It was time to let go and move on.

Which would have worked out fine, had Tyler’s car not disappeared from his driveway by the twentieth day. Josh tried not to think about it- still trying to break his eternal focus on anything that concerned Tyler. Such a goal was, of course, futile, when the hallways were filled with murmurs wondering where Tyler was the next day at school- it wasn’t like him to miss school. Josh still attempted to ignore it all, putting all his energy and focus into surviving the rest of the school day.

His absence became very hard to ignore, though, when Josh saw the sheriff’s car sitting in the driveway of Tyler’s house.

Josh spent the rest of that night staring out of his bedroom window, chewing off all his nails as the anxiety in his stomach gnawed at his insides. His phone shook in his hand, every call he attempted immediately failing, meaning Tyler’s phone was most likely off- or dead, a thought which just made his anxiety a thousand times worse.

His eyelids grew heavier and heavier as the night wore on and on. The sheriff’s car eventually left Tyler’s house, leaving an empty driveway for Josh to stare at in its stead. His thundering heart longed to go to his roof, to try and find solace in the sky like he always did. But the guilt that sat heavy in his chest made it feel wrong to do so, keeping him stuck on the edge of his bed. He wished so desperately to fall asleep so he didn’t have to think about anything, but the sirens in the distance made it impossible.

The exhaustion in his bones must have been too much for his body to handle, since he eventually passed out, after hours of tossing, turning, and staring at the ceiling. It was short-lived, however, since he was soon awoken by familiar hands shaking him. In a groggy haze, he sat up quickly and tried to piece together the face of his mother looking at him.

“W-what... what, what’s going on?” he asked in his haze, his voice thick and raspy with sleep. He rubbed his eyes, trying to clear the spots from his vision.

“Tyler’s mom just called me, honey,” she started, the concern in her voice and worry in her eyes waking Josh up immediately. “Apparently Tyler had been missing for the past couple of days and... and they just found him a couple of hours ago. His car was wrecked against a tree a couple miles out. He’s in the hospital right now and.. and she said he isn't looking too good.”

Josh was speechless, any words he once knew the meaning of seemingly vanishing from his mind at once, his thoughts now a void. His organs felt like someone had reached inside and tied them into tight knots. He wanted to open his mouth to speak, he wanted to ask how? and why? how could this even be possible? but he was scared he might just throw up instead.

“Do you want me to take you to the hospital, sweetie? She said you can come if you want to be there when he wakes up,” she said, obviously trying to keep her tone calm and gentle.

He swallowed hard, nodding slightly. She returned the nod and helped ease him onto his feet. He blindly threw on a pair of sneakers and followed her downstairs. His vision went in flashes as they moved, almost like watching a movie rather than really living it, everything moving like a scripted scene. From watching her grab her keys, to being inside the car, to parking outside the hospital, and then suddenly being in the stark white waiting room.

Tyler’s mom made her way towards him, her splotchy, red-eyed face only making the knots tied inside him grip tighter. She pulled him into a deep hug, and he felt almost robotic as he hugged her back, staring at the wall, head filled with fog. He tried to listen to what she was saying, but her words felt drowned out by the gray that seemed to be filling every space next to Josh. This all just felt so surreal, how could any of this possibly be real life?

He caught bits and pieces of what she said; Tyler was in stable condition currently, and the doctor said he should be waking up soon. His left arm was broken, several ribs were fractured, and he suffered an injury to his frontal lobe from blunt force trauma, as well as several lacerations and contusions. The doctors said he was lucky- that by rights, he should have been dead.

The words were nauseas, they made Josh feel only sicker and more anxious.

So he sat in the waiting room with his mom and Tyler’s family. Staring at the grief-ridden faces of Tyler’s siblings and parents, he slowly curled into himself, wanting nothing more than to disappear into thin air. Deep down he knew this was all his fault. He should’ve known better- he knew how Tyler got when he was left to his own devices, he'd even mentioned he was "getting bad again". It was selfish of him to just kick him to the curb. He thought he was doing what was best for both of them.

Now, look at where they were.

Josh wasn’t sure how much time had passed before a nurse came out and told them that Tyler was awake. She asked that only family come in to see him at first, so Josh kept himself firmly planted in the uncomfortable chair, but Tyler’s mom gently grabbed his arm. She told him that he was family too.

It made the sharp pain in his chest even more acute and unbearable.

And so, they all followed the nurse down the halls of the hospital, traipsing silently along in single file, until eventually they stopped at a white door with a little square window, just like every other in the ward. The nurse opened the door, and Tyler’s family slowly walked inside, but Josh stepped back. Tyler’s mom looked back at him, but he just shook his head.

“I... I just need a minute,” he said, his voice shaky. She nodded understandingly at him with a reassuring smile, before continuing into the room. Josh watched as the door closed in front of him, and he took to the wall beside it in refuge, closing his eyes as he tried to listen in.

There was quiet murmuring of voices at first, mostly the obviously recognizable tones of Tyler’s mother and father. He heard a small mutter from Tyler, his words intangible from where Josh stood. A slow and quiet exchange went on inside, and before Josh knew it, it was escalating.

He heard Tyler’s voice get louder and louder, until he was legitimately screaming and shouting, demanding that they leave. Josh heard his parents' initial rejections, but Tyler continued shouting. He screamed and screamed for them to get out. Soon enough, the door flew open and Tyler's entire family solemnly shuffled out, in that same, silent, single file fashion.

Tyler’s mom caught Josh's eye as she walked out, sadness in her eyes as her lips curled into a small, disingenuous smile. “You should go in there,” she said, “I think he really needs you right now.”

Josh’s breath caught in his throat, but he nodded anyway. Pushing himself off of the wall, he took a deep, gasping breath, heart beating like a caged bird, desperately trying to escape his ribcage. Opening the door, he stepped into the hospital room and took another forceful breath, terrified of what he might see when he forced himself to look. Tyler was curled up in the hospital bed, his knees tucked up in an uncomfortable looking position, his unbroken arm wrapped tightly around his shoulders. His skin was pale, cut and bruised in places, and his eyes were red and wet, his heavy, harsh breathing and the beeping of various machines the only sound in the otherwise eerily silent room.The sight wasn’t pretty, not by any means, but it was still Tyler.

Josh stood frozen next to the door, unsure of what to do with himself. Tyler turned his head slightly, just taking note of his presence. A bitter and painful chuckle slipped his mouth as he shook his head.

“Wasn’t really expecting you to be here,” Tyler said, his voice scratchier than usual. The tone was rough and it made Josh wince. “I thought you never wanted to see me again.”

Josh’s guilt leapt into his throat as he stared at Tyler. “Tyler I- you know that I-”

“Can you believe how fucking useless I am?” Tyler asked in a harsh croak, cutting Josh’s words off. “Couldn’t even fucking kill myself right.”

“The doctors were telling me how fucking lucky I am to be alive right now- that 'by rights I should be dead'. So why the hell aren’t I, huh?” Tyler asked, his voice growing louder and more desperate as he went on. “Why can’t the universe, or God- or who-fucking-ever is in charge around here, just let me die?! Life would be so much better, so much easier for everyone, if I wasn’t around- no one would have to deal with my shit anymore, my family... my parents- and I wouldn't have to feel all this pain that’s constantly eating me alive from the inside out, rotting my brain, every day of my life. I just want it to stop fucking hurting.”

“Tyler, killing yourself isn’t the cure for all this,” Josh said, his voice cracking as his eyes grew wet. He curled and uncurled his fingers into a fist, his hands still shaking. “I can’t even tell you how fucking happy I am that you’re still alive, that you're still here- do you know how much it would have hurt your family if you were dead? How much it would have destroyed me?”

Tyler shook his head, curling his lips under his teeth as tears began streaming down his cheeks. “You deserve someone better than me, Josh. Someone who doesn’t fuck up with every chance they’re given. Someone who actually knows who the fuck they fucking are. Someone who can actually give you the love you deserve.”

Josh walked over to the hospital bed and knelt down by his side, grabbing a hold of Tyler’s freezing hands. “It’s not your fault, Ty- it’s not your fault you have so much going on in your head, or that you don’t know how to handle it. That’s not your fault, Ty- and I’m so sorry for making you think it was.”

“I’m sorry I made you feel like you didn’t deserve to live," Josh's heart jolted in his chest as he spoke those works, they hit him like a dagger. "I should have been there for you. I should have loved you the way you needed to be loved, not the way I wanted you to love me. I’m so sorry Ty- I just... I’m just so sorry.” Josh pressed a kiss to the knuckles of Tyler’s hand, still clutched in his own, unable to hold back his own tears as they trickled down his cheeks and landed in little wet splats on the sheets of Tyler's hospital bed.

Tyler let out a watery sigh. “No... please Josh, please don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault either. I'm-I’m sorry, Josh... for everything. All of it.”

Josh placed his hand against Tyler’s cheek, wiping away the tears glistening on his skin, his thumb stroking back and forth against his face. “I think we’re both just fucked up people who did things we shouldn’t have done, and that’s something we gotta work on, yeah?” Josh offered with a sad little smile. Tyler nodded in agreement, sniffing sadly.

Josh leaned forward, pressing his lips to Tyler’s. The gesture was small, lasting only for a moment before their mouths were separated again, but it still buzzed through Josh's entire body like electricity, his lips tingling where they'd touched Tyler's. Pulling away, he rested their foreheads together with a slight sigh. For that brief moment, Josh could pretend everything was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it really one of my fics if there's not a chapter in a hospital ?
> 
> also I apologize if this comes off as rushed, I wrote it in an emotional flurry and I’m not super proud of it. I may edit it and repost it, but for now I hope you enjoyed it xx
> 
> edit: shoutout to my lovely new editor @trashler for editing this and all the other chapters, you are so so wonderful


	5. Chapter 5

“Graduation is coming up soon,” Josh said, his arm slung loosely around Tyler’s narrowed shoulders, Tyler’s hoodie wrapped around the both of them.  The blanket beneath them was wrinkled and scrunched up from Tyler’s constant fidgeting and leg bouncing, causing the grass beneath them to tickle at their skin.

 

“Mmhmm,” Tyler hummed under his breath, pressing himself further into Josh’s side.  “Three weeks to go.”

 

Josh nodded softly, placing his hand on top of Tyler’s and tracing his thumb over his palm.  Tyler shivered quietly, the late May breeze brushing against his bare feet. Josh turned his head, pressing his lips into Tyler’s hair.  Tyler sighed in content, looking up at Josh and smiling. 

 

Looking back down at the ground, Tyler bit down on his bottom lip.  “It’s weird, honestly,” Tyler said, his voice suddenly a little breathless.  “I swear to God just yesterday we were just starting first grade with Miss.K.” 

 

Josh hummed in amusement.  “Ah, those were the good old days, huh?  Where schoolwork was just tracing letters and filling in coloring pages.”  

 

Tyler chuckled under his breath, lifting his head back up and looking around, staring at the trees that surrounded them.  “Man, if I could turn back time I would,” Tyler said, swallowing hard. “It used to be so...so simple. Now everything’s so complicated.” 

 

“Well...not everything,” Josh said, his fingers trailing down to Tyler’s chin, turning it so their gazes met.  “I mean look at us, having a proper date.” 

 

Tyler scoffed.  “Josh, our relationship is anything but simple, you and I both know that,” he pointed out, a sad tone laying underneath his words.  “You asked me to be your boyfriend back in February and I had a fucking anxiety attack about it - I think that makes things a little complicated.” 

 

Josh shrugged softly.  “Eh, who needs a label anyway?  Labels are for jars, not people.” 

 

Tyler snorted, shaking his head at the older boy.  “Wow Josh, you’re just..so..so damn profound,” he said, biting his tongue as he held back more laughter.  

 

Josh rolled his eyes.  “Well, sometimes it’s nice to pretend things are still simple, ya know?” Josh began, running shaky fingers through his unruly hair.  “Like, being out here, having an afternoon picnic with you I can just pretend. I can pretend that we’re not graduating in three weeks and you’re not leaving for a college out of state for a basketball scholarship.  I can pretend that we’re the only two people in the world and time stands still for us - cause we’re the center of the fucking universe.” 

 

“I can pretend that neither one of us have nightmares every night that keep us awake.  I can pretend that neither one of us go to therapy cause apparently there’s a hell of a lot of trauma between the two of us and that can make our relationship super fucking unsteady and unhealthy.  I can pretend we both love life and neither one of us have tried to kill ourselves. I can pretend that saying goodnight to you every night doesn’t scare the shit out of me cause what if the next you’re just gone.  Right now, right here - I can pretend everything is fucking great.” 

 

Josh’s chest burned as he suddenly forgot how to breathe.  Gasping a breath, he blinked away the hot tears that brimmed his eyes.  He stared down at his hand, watching as his fingers curled and uncurled as he attempted to ground himself back into reality and out of his head.

 

“Sorry...sorry about that, I dunno why I said any of that,” Josh sniffed, wiping his hand across his face.  Exhaling shakily, he dug his fingers into the grass, the dirt embedding into his nails. 

 

Tyler sat up from his position on top of Josh, causing the hoodie and Josh’s arm to fall off his shoulders.  Raising his hand, he cupped Josh’s flushed cheek and pulled him forward. Their lips met in the middle and their eyes shut close in unison.  Pulled so close, Josh could feel Tyler’s eyelashes flutter against his cheekbone. 

 

For once, their kiss wasn’t made in a rush and haste.  It was steady and soft as if they both had all the time in the world.  Tyler moved forward, deepening the kiss. His hand moved from Josh’s cheek and into his hair, pulling it tight and causing a quiet moan to escape Josh’s lips.  Josh moved his hands to Tyler’s thigh, his fingers sneaking up Tyler’s shirt. He traced against the scarred skin of his ribs, making him shiver. 

 

The two eventually pulled away, the need for air becoming too great for the two boys.  They shared a smile, both of their eyes shining brightly as they stared at each other. Tyler licked his lips as he grasped Josh’s face, squishing his cheeks to make a ridiculous face. 

 

“No matter what happens in three weeks, just know I love you, okay?”  Tyler said, letting himself spare a moment of sincerity. “But, maybe for right now we can pretend we’re the only two people in the world.” 

 

“Maybe,” Josh echoed, giving a watery chuckle.  

 

Tyler smiled sadly, looking off into the depth of the woods, breathing in the scent of the dirt.  Sliding down, he resumed his position against Josh’s ribs. Josh’s heart thumped softly through his skin, the sound causing Tyler to relax.  

 

“You know how for graduation they asked us where we see ourselves in five years?” Tyler asked, suddenly, his gaze never seeing the forest before him.  Josh nodded, humming a quiet ‘yeah’. 

“I hope in five years, we both have figured ourselves out,” Tyler began, his tone wistful.  “I hope we figured out what we wanted to do, where we wanted to be - who we wanted to be. I hope we’re both with someone who’s able to give us everything we deserve, and we’re able to give the same back - whether that’s with each other or not, as long as we’re both as happy as we could ever be.”

 

Tyler paused for a moment, his breath hitching.  Sounding like he was gonna say more, Josh waited in silence for Tyler to continue, but he never did.  Josh combed his fingers through Tyler’s hair, his nails tracing over his scalp and curling the wild strands.  

 

“I hope so too,” Josh said, his voice hushed and low.  He leaned down, pressing a kiss to Tyler’s hair. Turning his gaze towards the sky, he went the baby blue slowly shift to a burnt orange as the sun slowly set, disappearing behind the trees and hills.  Shutting his eyes, he exhaled a hollow breath and let the day fade away.

  
  
  
  
  


Three weeks came and gone in the blink of an eye.  With finals all done, the last few days in school were a breeze as freedom sat at the tips of every senior’s fingers.  And with basketball season over as well, Josh finally got to see Tyler during school hours. With his open schedule, Tyler started joining Josh for his elective classes - the teachers too tired to give a shit about who showed up anyways.  They walked together in the hallways, Tyler surprising Josh when he took his hand in his, grasping it proudly and tightly. 

 

Despite the jokes of freedom and the carefree attitude that filled the hallways of the school, the night before graduation was only filled with anxiety and dread for Josh.  Sleep was definitely out of the question that day, so it was no surprise when Josh crawled up onto his roof and laid beneath stars. 

 

Laying his arm over his chest, he spaced out to the rise and fall of his breathing, his vision going fuzzy the longer he stared at the sky.  The stars blurred against the dark blue backdrop, making it look as if they were all falling down to earth. Josh closed his eyes, imagining what it’d be like to be crushed by millions of comets.  It was morbid, but he also thought it was somewhat beautiful. 

 

Maybe he was just a little too sick in the head. 

 

Josh smirked as he felt the familiar shake of the ladder on the side of the house.  Opening his eyes and turning his head, Josh smiled as his eyes met with the sweet color of honey.  Tyler returned the smile, crawling over to Josh’s side. He dipped his head down to Josh’s level, planting a sweet kiss on his lips.  He tasted of spearmint and smoke, but Josh had grown accustomed to the taste. 

 

“You should be in bed,” Tyler said, holding Josh’s cold cheek in his warm hand.  “Got a big day tomorrow.” He smoothed his thumb across Josh’s skin, brushing an eyelash away from under his eye.

 

“I know - that’s why I’m out here,” Josh chuckled, a little breathless.  He tried to swallow the anxiety building inside him, but it stayed heavy in his throat.  

 

Tyler licked his lips, his fingers fiddling with the hem of Josh’s shirt.  “You nervous?” he asked, his tone quiet and gentle. Josh nodded, not trusting his voice.  Tyler knitted as his eyebrows as his gaze stayed firm on Josh. “How come?” 

 

Josh chewed on the inside of his cheek, exhaling a long breath.  “I’m just kinda terrified of, like, what’s supposed to come next, ya know?  Let yeah cool, we’re graduating and we’re gonna have freedom and shit but oh my gosh it’s absolutely terrifying.  Like, what the hell is supposed to come next? I don’t know what I want to do with my life - and that’s all everyone’s going to be asking me about for the next year.”

 

“And what if I never figure it out?  What if I’m still stuck at the same retail store for the next five years of my life, just wasting away?  I’m just so fucking terrified, ya know?” 

 

As Josh fought off a building panic attack, Tyler laughed quietly under his breath as he stared at Josh in amusement.  Josh stared back in confusion, wondering how Tyler was finding all of this so funny. 

 

“You’ll figure it out, Josh,” Tyler said, squeezing Josh’s knee.  “You have such a passion for the things you love, so I know once you find the thing you love doing, there’ll be no stopping you from pursuing it.  And hey, if it takes you five years to figure that out, that’s okay. Anyone who expects you to immediately figure out who you want to be are bored assholes who still don’t even know who they’re going to be.  There’s no need to rush, there’s no need to worry - just live your life and let yourself grow, yeah?” 

 

Josh let out an unexpected laugh, wiping his palm down his face.  “Damn Tyler, when did you get so profound and sappy?” 

 

Tyler shrugged with a smirk plastered on his face.  “I blame therapy,” he said, making Josh laugh. Tyler’s smile grew wider.  “You feel better?” 

 

Josh nodded and Tyler’s smile became soft.  He leaned forward and gave the boy another gentle kiss.  Pulling away, Tyler ran his fingers down Josh’s face. “Good - now go to bed, no need to be ruining your mom’s picture with those nasty bags under your eyes.” 

 

Scoffing in offense, Josh gave Tyler a light punch to his arm.  Josh glared at the younger boy as he erupted into giggles. “Fine, fine - I’ll go to bed, but only so I don’t have to deal with your annoying ass anymore.”  Tyler stuck his tongue out, continuing to smirk as he squirmed down the ladder and back onto the ground.

 

Josh climbed down the ladder and swung himself into the open window of his bedroom.  Turning around and leaning against the frame, he stared down at the honey-eyed boy. “Goodnight Tyler,” Josh said, smiling softly. 

 

Tyler returned the smile.  “Goodnight Josh,” he said, “I love you.” 

 

Josh’s heart fluttered against his chest, making it hard to breathe for a moment.  “I love you too.” Tyler gave Josh a small salute before turning on his heels, walking across the street and back to his house.  

 

Standing up straight, Josh closed his window and made his way over to his bed.  Plopping down, he buried his head in his pillow and let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding.  A sudden wave of exhaustion hitting him, he slowly faded into unconsciousness. 

  
  
  
  


The morning of graduation was a blur - just like every other moment in Josh’s life.  Josh watched everything in flashes as usual, as if his mind was taking snapshots for him to try and figure out later when he came out of his haze.  A constant wave of nausea was the only thing that was somewhat grounding him in the present. Josh tried to ignore it, knowing he would feel better once he got to see Tyler.  

 

All dressed in his cap and gown, he forced a smile as his mother took picture after picture after picture.  If it hadn’t been for his sister swooping in and reminding their mom they were gonna be late, Josh was sure that he would have been trapped forever in front of his mom’s phone.  

 

Once they arrived at the school, Josh was quickly ushered away from his family and with the rests of the graduates up at the front of the auditorium.  Josh scanned the heads of the seniors, searching for Tyler - but he came up empty. Josh ignored his immediate anxiety - Tyler was probably just running a little late. 

 

Josh’s anxiety only persisted as more time went by and Tyler still hadn’t shown up.  He sent him text after text, asking him where the hell he was, but he received no reply.  When it finally came time for graduation, Josh felt like he was going to throw up. 

 

If Josh thought he was spaced out before - nothing compared to how he felt then.  His thoughts became consumed with Tyler’s whereabouts. Before he knew it, he was on stage accepting his diploma, faking a smile towards his family in the crowd.  Hit with a dizzy spell, he was scared he was going to collapse off the stage. 

 

Sitting back down in his seat, Josh completely ignored every speaker and student that came up and spoke.  His focus was on his phone as he sent text after text to Tyler, waiting anxiously for a reply that never came.  He ignored the drop in his stomach when they announced Tyler’s name and no one came.

 

Finally looking up, he saw all the other seniors flipping their tassels to the other side.  Quickly pocketing his phone, he followed suit and forced his focus on his surroundings. At the principal’s cue, he and his fellow seniors, threw their caps in their air, catching them as best as they could when they came down.

 

Once they were given their dismissal, Josh rushed off into the crowd.  He searched every face for the honey eyes he knew so well, waiting for this to be some kind of ridiculous joke.  Growing more and more hopeless, he spotted Tyler’s parents within the crowd - their concerned faces most likely matching Josh’s.

 

“Mrs. Joseph!” Josh called, trying to get to her as quickly as he could through the hoards of people that blocked his way.  Finally reaching her, he let out an exhausted breath. “Mrs. Joseph, where’s Tyler?” 

 

Her face collapsed.  “I..honey, I don’t know - I was hoping you did.  He wasn’t in his room this morning, I thought he might have been here or with you, but he hasn’t been answering his phone and-”

 

Josh didn’t let her finish, every nerve in his body insisting him to move.  Running towards the exit, he shoved past every person in front of him - earning him some angry shouts.  Once outside, his frantic mind had no idea what he was doing, so he just continued listening to his legs - which were telling him to run.  

 

So he ran. 

 

He ran all the way to Tyler’s house.  Screaming his name, he stared at Tyler’s window, waiting for Tyler to pop out and tell him to stop being so loud.  When he never showed, Josh was unable to stop his breathing from growing more frantic and labored. Turning around in a panicked haze, he ran to his own house.  Once inside, he ran up to his room and fell to the ground. 

 

His chest burned, the unanswered questions in his head making every nerve in his body light up with pain.  Everything just ached. Unable to control himself, he let out an agonizing and desperate scream. 

 

Tugging at his hair, he stared at his room, searching for some sign of Tyler.  His gaze turning to his window, something caught his eye. Standing back up, he slowly walked over to his window and grabbed it - a folded piece of paper taped to his window.  Unfolding it, his breath hitched in his throat as he recognized the handwriting. 

  
  


_ josh  _

 

_ first off, i just want to say that i’m so sorry.  i know you must be so confused right now and knowing you, you’re probably worried out of your mind.  i want you to know that i’m okay and if i’m not answering any of your texts or calls or whatever, it’s because i left my phone at home.  i’m sorry i didn’t come to graduation - it just didn’t feel right. i tried on my cap and gown last night and i just couldn’t do it. picturing myself walking on stage and accepting my shining high school diploma just made me sick, i couldn’t do it.  _

 

_ i just need a fresh start.  i’m packing up all the shit i can and i’m driving wherever the fuck i want.  i’m finally doing it, josh ! i’m getting away from this idle paper town and finding somewhere else where i can figure myself out.  maybe it’s nowhere, but at least that’s find than here _

 

_ please know this has nothing to do with you.  i mean fuck, you have always been the reason why i’ve hesitated leaving for so long.  how could i leave you? you’re the only person i’ve ever truly loved and cared about and the thought of leaving you behind is still making me want to stay  _

 

_ but i don’t think that would be fair - to either me or you.  i wish we could have a life together. i always find myself picturing a future with you where we live a cute little apartment together and we own a dog (a golden retriever, obviously) and we have boring nine to five jobs but that doesn’t matter because at least we have each other.  i picture that future all the time and as much as i yearn for it - i know it’s not what either of us want.  _

 

_ these last eight months have been amazing - being able to just love you fully without hesitation or walls.  i will treasure it forever. but it also showed me that i’m not good for you, and you’re not good for me. we both need someone who we don’t one hundred percent rely on - someone who we don’t use as a crutch, and we won’t find that with each other.  as much as it fucking kills me to say that, i think we both know it’s true  _

 

_ i hope you figure yourself out josh.  i hope you learn to stand up for yourself, that you don’t let people walk all over you and use you for their own pleasure like i did to you for so long.  i hope you find the thing you love and let that be the thing that drives you, the thing that keeps you alive  _

 

_ and god, i hope the same for myself.  i hope i learn to love someone like the way you loved me.  i hope i find where i need to be. i hope i find what i need to do.   _

 

_ i hope you hope the same things too.  and i hope you can find a way to forgive me, believe me when i say i never ever ever meant to hurt you.  you are my stars josh and i’ll never stop thinking about you  _

 

_ i love you so damn much, please don’t forget that  _

 

_ i hope we see each other again, where we both are better off and maybe we can try again  _

 

_ Maybe.  _

 

_ your best fren,  _

 

_ Ty  _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys don't mind an open ending aha  
> thank you all so much for reading this, it truly means the world to me. thank you to those who left a comment or kudos, it really kept me motivated and i appreciated it so so much xx

**Author's Note:**

> ayeee so i'm back. i had a really felt a strong urge to write something, so here's that something. i'm not sure what this is going to be, but i'll try to keep it up. if you liked it, be sure to let me know, it really helps !


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